I wrote this over a year ago at a time of intense betrayal. Although I have grown, changed, and learned so much since this time, this writing still speaks to who I am. This piece is a representation of how far I have come and the journey that still lies ahead.
I hate winter. The bleakness of it. Waking up in the morning looking out upon the day and all that is present are gray skies and forbearing clouds. The season is gray, dull, and for many depressing. The animals that once sang new every morning are hidden away from the world. The plants once lush and green show us only the bareness. Cracked branches, stripped to reveal their structure. To reveal what holds the beauty seen in the other seasons. In the death of winter each plant is tested. Bitter frosts cover the earth. Snow blankets the ground. And the bareness is left to be tested, to be tried. Its very nature for survival is revealed. The environment it has surrounded itself in the last few months has influenced how winter will affect it. Will the roots stand true and strong in the midst of cold? Or will they shrivel having not rooted and not taken the strength it needed in earlier months to thrive? This time of winter is a time of renewal and preparation for the spring to come. The plants that survive and flourish under these circumstances are those who bear the most beautiful fruit in the spring and summer. These are the ones others look at in awe and wonder, desperate to know how they can stand in such beauty. These plants had prepared for the spring. They knew a time of desperation would come when the world looked bleak and the hope of spring seemed dim. Yet, they had prepared and had fought. They were rooted in good earth with a solid foundation. They knew what was necessary to make them bloom.
I feel as though this is my life. I have come to a time of bleakness and desolation when everything that once covered who I was has been ripped away. I am like a plant with only my structure revealed. Emotionally and spiritually I have been laid bare. All my weaknesses, my doubts, my insecurities, and my dwindling faith have been revealed as everything is stripped away. My core is revealed. And it hurts. I have always been a person to protect myself at all cost; to keep people from seeing my hurt and my weakness. Like so many I have created a façade in which to dance behind. Only revealing to people what I think they need to know and feeding them the facts to shape their perception. Very few are ever allowed to truly know me, and those that do were not invited. They are the ones who persisted; who wouldn’t allow me to dance around in a game of survival. They coaxed me to show who I was and loved me despite of my weakness and flaws[i]. They see me for who I am and still offer support[ii]. They are a main reason that I have survived previous winters.
Now again I am in the season of winter. I have been revealed for all to see and can no longer deny the flaws in my structure. I now have a choice: to finally face the hurt and work through my doubts and fears or once again enter the dance of denial. I have danced with denial for so long and it is a straining movement. It requires distraction. Filling life with activities and others in order not to acknowledge the pain that is hidden. For in the dance of denial nothing is changed. Nothing is different. The pain and hurt still haunt your every motion, and continually waits below the surface. At times I misstep step in the dance and denial flees and reality seeps in. These are the moments that catch you off guard. When all of the sudden you realize life is not as it should be. That there is something more. That the Lord has given us certain promises and those are in strike contradiction to my denial. It is in those moments that my heart longs for something more and for a moment I hear my Father telling me to come higher. To release the things of the past – the dark places that I have not yet let Him into. I reach to touch His hand and I feel assurance and I know that all is well. But then like so many times I take my eyes off Him. And I fall back into the dance. I see Him standing beside me as I dance again with denial and hurt. I tell Him that I am ok where I am. That I still love Him and long to know Him intimately, but I am just not ready for that kind of commitment. Does He know what I am hiding? Does He really understand the hurts He is going to have to see? And He simply looks at me with so much love in His eyes. His eyes tell me that no matter what is in my life there is acceptance and unconditional love. He loves me and there is nothing that will change that.
Mixed in with love there is also sadness. He is hurt because I do not fully believe what He is telling me. For even as I stare into His eyes my hands are picking up the things I dropped – my pain, my sadness, my insecurities. And as I see the pain that I have caused Him, the one who loves me, I cannot bare it. My eyes pull away. I begin to focus again on the steps. And quietly say "I still love you. I am just not ready. I will fail. The sacrifice is too great. Maybe in a couple years." And in that instance I have convinced myself that the dance of denial is better than the restoration of the Father.
After so many years I am tired of the dance. I am tired of not fully giving myself to the Father. I am ready to believe in the power of restoration and change not just for other people, but for myself. I know the journey will be a long one. I will be required to face my insecurities, my fears, and my failures and to listen to what Jesus says about them.[iii] And not simply to listen and to know – but to believe. I am ready to believe.[iv]
[i] "Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious, nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited; it is not rude and does not act unbecomingly. Love does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no account to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endure everything (without weakening). Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8
[ii] Throughout the Gospels we see Jesus as he travels completing the work the Father had sent him to do. As he traveled we see him invite 12 men to travel with him – what we have called the twelve disciples. These were men who were to walk with our Savior and learn his ways. He was their rabbi challenging them to take on his yoke. However, in another sense and one I would like to highlight is that these are the men he invited to live in intimacy with him. Thousands of people recognized Jesus as their Savior and took hold of his teachings and the new life he had to offer. But only a handful were asked to walk with him everyday. These men lived in intimacy with their Savior and with one another. To me they are the first representation of the functioning church – living life and doing ministry together with the same purpose. The people in Acts had the same vision, the same goal, and they were all pressing toward the same mark. They prayed inagreement (Acts 4:24), lived in harmony (Acts 2:44), cared for one another (Acts 2:46), met each other’s needs (Acts 4:34), and lived a life of faith (Acts 4:31). I believe these statements also represent Jesus and his disciples. I say all this to emphasize the importance of finding a group of people with whom you live life together. These people should play the role of support in your life. They should know you intimately and challenge to live the life that the Lord has called you. The Lord is ultimately our rock and our foundation, but He uses relationship to touch and send physical representation of His love for us. These are his people. I am so thankful for the people who continue to play this role in my life.
[iii] "I’ve learned that very few people actually live from their heart. Very few live connected with their soul. And those few who do the difficult work, who stare their junk in the face, who get counsel, who let Jesus into all of the rooms in their soul that no one ever goes in. They make a difference. The are so different; they ’re coming from such a different place that their voices inevitability get heard above the others. They are pursing wholeness and shalom and it is contagious." Rob Bell Velvet Elvis
[iv] "God has an incredibly high view of people. God believes that people are capable of amazing things. I have been told that I need to believe in Jesus. Which is a good thing. But what I am learning is that Jesus believes in me.
I have been told that I need to have faith in God. Which is a good thing. But what I am learning is that God has faith in me.
There is this person who we are in God’s eyes. And we are learning to live like it is true. This is an issue of identity. It is letting what God says about us shape what we believe about ourselves."
Rob Bell Velvet Elvis
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