Knowing him vs. KNOWING him

For a long time I have always believed that the key to a relationship with Jesus was about knowing him. Ok you may ask----what exactly do you mean by that? Knowing as in spending time, being in relationship, talking, praying, and generally discussing my day. I can not even begin to count the number of times that I have heard the description of Jesus being your best friend---but BETTER. In other words he is someone who is always there, always listens, and to boot will have final judgment on the plethora of guys who have broken my heart. ;) I too have spoken this encouragement to people and have spent hours just wanting to be in his presence. But today I realized that knowing him does not necessarily mean I KNOW him.

Now I don’t say this to mean that any of the things listed above are wrong. I strongly believe that you NEED to spend time with Jesus in that way and he most definitely wants to know every intimate detail of your life… It is just that I feel I live in a world full of dichotomy. In other words I live in the extremes. So when I am in a season of just being with Jesus I don’t often think about the importance of knowing who he is…. And to be honest that is just plain selfish. And sinful.

In Matthew 22:37 it states “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” This commandment is very clear in that we must know him equally with all three parts of own being. When I look back at my life I can see where I have loved him with only one part and left the other two as an afterthought. Although this seems like a step in the process it is not obedience to what Jesus commands.

So I sit here struggling with the fact that I know the nature of his presence, I know the feeling of the Lord’s glory falling on me during worship, I know his comforting hand as he holds my broken heart, and I know the joy he feels when I am basking in his blessings and just sitting at his feet. But what I don’t know is his word. And this thought is both saddening and overwhelming.

When I think about knowing the Bible – I realize the immense nature of that task. Here is 66 books of the Bible each with hundreds of verses that are vital to me knowing who God is which then leads to me knowing myself better which causes me to love him more. A beautiful process, but an overwhelming task. In the time of Jesus women memorized Psalms, Proverbs, and Deuteronomy! I am good to know a couple of verses from each and even then the address would be a little shaky.

So all this to say I want to KNOW the Lord with the same gusto that I seek to know him. I want there to be balance in the way that I love him. I want it to be just as Matthew says to love the Lord my God with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind. I want a connection between what I know in my heart and what I know in my head. And I want that connection to impact the way I live my life.

A Season of Re-Creation

I wrote this over a year ago at a time of intense betrayal. Although I have grown, changed, and learned so much since this time, this writing still speaks to who I am. This piece is a representation of how far I have come and the journey that still lies ahead.

I hate winter. The bleakness of it. Waking up in the morning looking out upon the day and all that is present are gray skies and forbearing clouds. The season is gray, dull, and for many depressing. The animals that once sang new every morning are hidden away from the world. The plants once lush and green show us only the bareness. Cracked branches, stripped to reveal their structure. To reveal what holds the beauty seen in the other seasons. In the death of winter each plant is tested. Bitter frosts cover the earth. Snow blankets the ground. And the bareness is left to be tested, to be tried. Its very nature for survival is revealed. The environment it has surrounded itself in the last few months has influenced how winter will affect it. Will the roots stand true and strong in the midst of cold? Or will they shrivel having not rooted and not taken the strength it needed in earlier months to thrive? This time of winter is a time of renewal and preparation for the spring to come. The plants that survive and flourish under these circumstances are those who bear the most beautiful fruit in the spring and summer. These are the ones others look at in awe and wonder, desperate to know how they can stand in such beauty. These plants had prepared for the spring. They knew a time of desperation would come when the world looked bleak and the hope of spring seemed dim. Yet, they had prepared and had fought. They were rooted in good earth with a solid foundation. They knew what was necessary to make them bloom.

I feel as though this is my life. I have come to a time of bleakness and desolation when everything that once covered who I was has been ripped away. I am like a plant with only my structure revealed. Emotionally and spiritually I have been laid bare. All my weaknesses, my doubts, my insecurities, and my dwindling faith have been revealed as everything is stripped away. My core is revealed. And it hurts. I have always been a person to protect myself at all cost; to keep people from seeing my hurt and my weakness. Like so many I have created a façade in which to dance behind. Only revealing to people what I think they need to know and feeding them the facts to shape their perception. Very few are ever allowed to truly know me, and those that do were not invited. They are the ones who persisted; who wouldn’t allow me to dance around in a game of survival. They coaxed me to show who I was and loved me despite of my weakness and flaws[i]. They see me for who I am and still offer support[ii]. They are a main reason that I have survived previous winters.

Now again I am in the season of winter. I have been revealed for all to see and can no longer deny the flaws in my structure. I now have a choice: to finally face the hurt and work through my doubts and fears or once again enter the dance of denial. I have danced with denial for so long and it is a straining movement. It requires distraction. Filling life with activities and others in order not to acknowledge the pain that is hidden. For in the dance of denial nothing is changed. Nothing is different. The pain and hurt still haunt your every motion, and continually waits below the surface. At times I misstep step in the dance and denial flees and reality seeps in. These are the moments that catch you off guard. When all of the sudden you realize life is not as it should be. That there is something more. That the Lord has given us certain promises and those are in strike contradiction to my denial. It is in those moments that my heart longs for something more and for a moment I hear my Father telling me to come higher. To release the things of the past – the dark places that I have not yet let Him into. I reach to touch His hand and I feel assurance and I know that all is well. But then like so many times I take my eyes off Him. And I fall back into the dance. I see Him standing beside me as I dance again with denial and hurt. I tell Him that I am ok where I am. That I still love Him and long to know Him intimately, but I am just not ready for that kind of commitment. Does He know what I am hiding? Does He really understand the hurts He is going to have to see? And He simply looks at me with so much love in His eyes. His eyes tell me that no matter what is in my life there is acceptance and unconditional love. He loves me and there is nothing that will change that.

Mixed in with love there is also sadness. He is hurt because I do not fully believe what He is telling me. For even as I stare into His eyes my hands are picking up the things I dropped – my pain, my sadness, my insecurities. And as I see the pain that I have caused Him, the one who loves me, I cannot bare it. My eyes pull away. I begin to focus again on the steps. And quietly say "I still love you. I am just not ready. I will fail. The sacrifice is too great. Maybe in a couple years." And in that instance I have convinced myself that the dance of denial is better than the restoration of the Father.

After so many years I am tired of the dance. I am tired of not fully giving myself to the Father. I am ready to believe in the power of restoration and change not just for other people, but for myself. I know the journey will be a long one. I will be required to face my insecurities, my fears, and my failures and to listen to what Jesus says about them.[iii] And not simply to listen and to know – but to believe. I am ready to believe.[iv]

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[i] "Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious, nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited; it is not rude and does not act unbecomingly. Love does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no account to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endure everything (without weakening). Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:4-8

[ii] Throughout the Gospels we see Jesus as he travels completing the work the Father had sent him to do. As he traveled we see him invite 12 men to travel with him – what we have called the twelve disciples. These were men who were to walk with our Savior and learn his ways. He was their rabbi challenging them to take on his yoke. However, in another sense and one I would like to highlight is that these are the men he invited to live in intimacy with him. Thousands of people recognized Jesus as their Savior and took hold of his teachings and the new life he had to offer. But only a handful were asked to walk with him everyday. These men lived in intimacy with their Savior and with one another. To me they are the first representation of the functioning church – living life and doing ministry together with the same purpose. The people in Acts had the same vision, the same goal, and they were all pressing toward the same mark. They prayed inagreement (Acts 4:24), lived in harmony (Acts 2:44), cared for one another (Acts 2:46), met each other’s needs (Acts 4:34), and lived a life of faith (Acts 4:31). I believe these statements also represent Jesus and his disciples. I say all this to emphasize the importance of finding a group of people with whom you live life together. These people should play the role of support in your life. They should know you intimately and challenge to live the life that the Lord has called you. The Lord is ultimately our rock and our foundation, but He uses relationship to touch and send physical representation of His love for us. These are his people. I am so thankful for the people who continue to play this role in my life.

[iii] "I’ve learned that very few people actually live from their heart. Very few live connected with their soul. And those few who do the difficult work, who stare their junk in the face, who get counsel, who let Jesus into all of the rooms in their soul that no one ever goes in. They make a difference. The are so different; they ’re coming from such a different place that their voices inevitability get heard above the others. They are pursing wholeness and shalom and it is contagious." Rob Bell Velvet Elvis

[iv] "God has an incredibly high view of people. God believes that people are capable of amazing things. I have been told that I need to believe in Jesus. Which is a good thing. But what I am learning is that Jesus believes in me.

I have been told that I need to have faith in God. Which is a good thing. But what I am learning is that God has faith in me.

There is this person who we are in God’s eyes. And we are learning to live like it is true. This is an issue of identity. It is letting what God says about us shape what we believe about ourselves."

Rob Bell Velvet Elvis

Such a Time As This

I am confident that I was made for such a time as this. Like Esther who was unsure of the path set before her. I too have wavered. But as Esther had faith that the call set before her was from the Lord I too have that faith. I have faith that the giftings that the Lord has bestowed on me are not for my happiness, but for his service. That I was made to be trusted, to be dumped on, to be asked for advice and then to see the opposite be chosen. I was made to be honest, to choose righteousness, to encourage people to be more than they though they could be. I was made to encourage, to make people laugh, to bring a smile, to be an optimist. I was made to weep for those I love, to spend sleepless nights on my face crying out on others behalf. I was made to be broken. To be broken for the lost and for the saved. To experience the pain of betrayal and the beauty of redemption. I have been allowed to taste of our Father's tears. To understand a small sample of his pain. To have loved with my whole heart and to have that love spat on and rejected. I have drank of His tears and somehow survived. All in all I have survived and will continue to survive. I may not be able to rise to my feet, but even prostrate at His feet I will still serve. For I know that what I experience is not even comparable to a millisecond of what He experienced on the cross. And for that reason it is an honor that I have been deemed worthy to suffer – even in this small way.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Hebrews 12:2-3

A New Name

"In the consummation of love, we shall know him and be known. There we shall receive our new name, known only to our Lover, which he shall give to us on a white stone."
Revelation 2:17

It is the man's own symbol – his soul's picture. In a word – the sign which belongs to him and no one else. Who can give a man this, his own name? God alone. For no one but God sees what the man is… It is only when the man has become his name that God gives him the stone with his name upon it, for then first can he understand what his name signifies… Such a name cannot be given until the man is his name… that being whom He had in His though when He began to make the child, and who He kept in His thought through the long process of creation that went to realize the idea. To tell the name is to seal the success – to say "In thee also I am well pleased."
George MacDonald

Lord I long to hear those words. To know that I have done something that has pleased you. Lord I long to hear you say my name. The name I was always meant to be called…

Moments...

There are those moments in life where my breath gets taken away. Like a thief in the night these moments sneak up on me so unexpected and I am caught so unaware. It is in these moments that the pain I had so neatly tucked away comes rushing to the surface, and it is in that moment where I lose my breath, I lose my footing, and suddenly I am drowning. One would believe that these moments represent a monumental loss or a dynamic encounter, but for me it is a simple situation or a single word. I think that’s why it so quickly takes my breathe. How is it that the mundane moments of life can cripple me so fast? How is it that I have this much pain at such a young age? When I look back at my life people may see it as so uneventful – no loss of loved ones, no devastations that might cripple my heart. It is almost as if the Lord knew that my story could not contain those things, that the simple things of life would devastate me and leave me broken. I sometimes feel like May, the beautiful simple character in Sue Monk Kidd’s book Secret Life of the Bees. May was a woman with a huge heart that when unfortunate events came in the world she would be overwhelmed with grief. She would bear the grief of the world and take it on as her own. From the simple happenings to the devastating events of the Civil Rights movement. I don’t compare myself to her as if to say that I am as compassionate or grieve for the worlds events as she does, but I understand the immediacy of feeling pain. Even the smallest semblance of pain. This thought about myself always makes me wonder who I am, who I really am? On the outside I can seem so unaffected, but at night when the world is still I am often overcome with grief. I can spend hours sobbing in my bed. Confused. Hurt. Crying out for healing. A heartbreaking juxtaposition. But a simple truth.

When looking at my life I feel as though the best word to represent it is juxtaposition. I come from a privileged background. I am from an upper middle class family and I have always had more than enough to meet and exceed my needs. My parents have been married for 34 years and have continually provided a household of stability for my older brother and I. Yet I have always felt so unwanted. Unwanted in the sense that there could be a trade in for something better if given the opportunity. Even writing these words seems like a betrayal. As though the life that my parents provided for me deserves much more respect and adoration. So even in this moment the writing of the sentences reinforces my belief that another daughter would have felt appreciated and loved where I did not. I don’t know if you have ever been in a situation where you are constantly compared and affirmed based on performance. If you haven’t be thankful. If you have then you can understand how each day of this represented my life. Where much is given, much is expected. My parents gave me much and I was expected to give back much – good grades, good behavior, appropriate attitudes, etc. This is the story of my life – fit into the mold. And so I did.

Currently I look back at my accomplishments and I can see that in the eyes of those closest to me I have succeeded. I graduated from high school with honors, went to a good college graduated with honors, was accepted into several graduate programs all with scholarships, and am a semester away from finishing one degree, and a year away from completing my second graduate degree. I have accomplished much in a short time. I come away educated and decorated. Yet, I long for the simpler things in life- love, hope, trust, security.

And though I long for these things to be reality in the natural – more than anything I desire them in the supernatural. I desire to know from the tips of my toes to the wisps of hair that fly around my face that I am deeply and passionately loved by the King of Kings. To know the name he calls me in all its beauty and splendor – and to know that not one other person on earth knows that name. For it is mine and his; our most intimate confession of devotion to one another. The poignant representation that I am known, every part of me, by my Savior. I desire to trust him with my life. To know that if the desires of my heart never come to fruition that he is there. That He will still endlessly fulfill me and sustain me. I long to know that Jesus. I long to believe that his promises are true and good. I long to know that when I speak his name that he was already there and is smiling as he gently grabs my hand. I long to know his thoughts not just about me, but about the beauty and pain he sees in the world. I long for intimacy with my Savior. This may sound crazy to you, but it is my deepest desire. That when I talk about him that it is though I am talking about a treasured friend and an intimate lover.

So in those moments where my breathe is taken away and the pain engulfs me. I think of what is good, what is true, what is sure. I think of him. I think that I must learn how to be loved in order for me to be loved. That I must embrace the pain and the wounds, and be changed as the tears vanish and their once clear path fades away. To respect the beauty of the process and to simply strive deeper to run into His arms.

This is my prayer. This is my hope. This is my dream.

This is my story.

Who I am...

My professor required us to describe who we are in 20 simple statements. Although a challenging task I believe these describe who I am very well.

I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am a follower of Christ.
I am a leader.
I am a friend.
I am a lover.
I am a woman.
I am a Southerner.
I am a traveler.
I am a dreamer.
I am outgoing.
I am privileged.
I am educated.
I am funny.
I am a helper.
I am a lover of the arts.
I am an encourager.
I am a cook.
I am persnickety.
I am a presence.
I am in process.