Loss and Transition

These past few weeks have been really rough. Tears have been my constant companion and I do everything I can to avoid the wrestling within my head and my heart. I can’t begin to explain the weight of transitions that are happening in my life. Between starting a new job, moving homes, ending relationships, and physical attacks on my family I am drained. It has been a long time since I have been this emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. Today I just wanted to lie down in my bed and sleep until the storms of life have passed. It’s not often that I literally want to check out, but I can say that I was there today and in many ways am still there. I know there is a lot I need to process, but I can’t seem to know where to begin. I am angry, sad, grieving, and just down right tired of members of my family being sick or injured. When this year began I felt like good things were coming – I pray this is the storm before the calm because to put it bluntly I haven’t seen that happen. At the end of June a friend of mine was praying for me and stated that he saw a boat anchored in the ocean. The ocean waves were fierce and the boat was being thrown to and fro pretty roughly. He said that my anchor was the Lord and no matter how bad the waves got to trust in that anchor. As reassuring as that should be right now I just need the waves to stop.

Music I Love

One of the things I have always loved is listening to music. Looking back on different time periods of my life not only could I share the story with you, but the exact song or album that describes that moment. I think part of my love for music comes from my mom. Growing up we always had music on in the house when my mom was home. To this day if you come over and she is washing the dishes or laying out by the pool - the radio will be playing. This goes for me as well. Whether I am driving, working out, getting reading in the morning, or just hanging around the house I usually have music on. One of my favorite artists for a couple years now has been Adele. I know that with her single "Rolling in the Deep" many people jumped on the "I heart Adele" bandwagon, but I have loved her since her first album 19. I love that she is honest both in her songwriting and in her singing. This is my most recent favorite that she did at the Itunes London Festival. It is a cover of Bonnie Raitt's hit "I Can't Make You Love Me." This cover is stunning and brings a flood of emotion. I am crossing my fingers that she sings this when I see her perform at the Ryman in October.

The Lord is our Keeper

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? 2 My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. 3 He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. 4 Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. 5 The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. 6 The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. 7 The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. 8 The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.

I have recently started studying the Psalms of Ascent (120-134) which are the songs the travelers sang during the pilgrimage to Jerusalem and also as worship in the temple once they had arrived. The other night I was reading Psalm 121 and the line "The Lord is your keeper" stuck out to me. I realized I didn't really understand what the work keeper meant. I read through a couple different translations and found that the words protect or help are also used. I was urged to pursue further and loved what I found in Strong's Concordance.

The Hebrew word for keeper that is used in Psalm 121 is shamar. As I looked up what shamar translates to, I also looked up the definition of the word in the English dictionary. The depth of the word keeper and the translation of the "Lord is your keeper" is astounding. This is a statement that truly characterizes the Lord and his affection for us.

Shamar translates as:

• properly to hedge about as with thorns (guard)
  
• generally to protect
• to attend to (to look after, to be present with)
  
• beware (to take care of)
• be circumspect (careful to consider all circumstance and possible consequences)
• take heed (to pay attention)
  
• keep (to be faithful to, to watch over and defend)
  
• mark (to take notice of, designate, distinguish)
  
• look narrowly
• observe (to come to realize or know especially through consideration of noted facts)
• preserve (to keep safe from injury, harm, or destruction)
  
• regard (a feeling of respect and affection, a protective interest)
  
• reserve (to set aside or apart)
  
• save (to rescue or deliver from harm)
  
• sure (safe from danger or harm)
  
• wait for (to stay in a place of expectation)
  
• watch/watchman (to be awake during the night, to guard, to be attentive)
  

My prayer for you and for me is that we understand and believe that the Lord is our keeper. And that in being our keeper He fulfills every piece of every part of the definition of shamar.

Permission to feel

I have recently been reading this book by Matthew Elliott titled feel: the power of listening to your heart. The theme of the book is understanding the Bible’s teaching on emotions. I have been blessed to have had solid teaching on feelings/emotions in the past, but I still tend to operate out of the traditional teaching of the church. For many of us we have been taught that feelings are bad and are things we should learn to control. Emotional outpourings are only appropriate in socially accepted situations (weddings, funerals, etc.) and even then what is deemed appropriate is limited. We are also taught that the love and joy mentioned in the Bible are a choice not an actual feeling. So we must choose to love those around us or choose to feel joy in our trials. But how untrue!!! Our Father is teeming with real emotion! He truly LOVED us so much that he sent his only Son to die. And because he is a God that loves and feels emotions passionately -- and we are his children created in his image -- he created us to FEEL! Really feel!

I am in no way, shape, or form doing justice to Elliott’s book, but the teachings inside have been profound and truly made me think about how I view emotions and how that has impacted my view of Jesus.

I want to share part of the book that rocked my world today. (The beauty of being snowed in = time to read!) Elliott was talking about the passage in James (1:2-4) where it states “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”

So we should consider it joy, when troubles comes….. which I have learned means that we should choose to be joyful even when we don’t feel it.

But listen to Elliott’s response (p.102-103):

"Here’s the thing: It is easier to believe that joy in hard times has nothing to do with our feelings. It is easier to obey the command of Jesus to love our enemies if loving has nothing to do with God really changing our hearts. The Christian life is easier to conduct when it is separated from real emotional heart change.

Emotional transformation is hard, and for most people it’s easier to avoid it. Why?

I think in part it’s a lack of faith – faith that God is big enough to provide for us the fully emotionally spiritual life he promises. When we keep God in the realm of rational thought, separate from other parts of our lives, we don’t have to test his greatness. When we make our spiritual lives dependent on our duties and lists, we don’t have to trust God to be as awesome as he claims he is or trust him to do hard things like give us real joy in suffering.

By barring God from the real emotional places of our lives, we rob him of his power. It’s as if we tell him, “God you won’t do this in my life, I just know you won’t. I can’t have joy in this difficult tragedy. You won’t be big enough to bring me to a place of contentment. I’m afraid you’ll disappoint me or fail me, and I can’t take that chance.” In this, we keep God small.

There is great sin here – the sin of denying that God is powerful enough to break through our greatest struggles and trails – the prisons of our daily lives – and lead us out singing, with uplifted hand and full-hearted joy.

So it is harder to have the Big Faith that God can bring real emotional joy through pain. And it’s hard to believe that in our very moments of struggle, our lives can be more emotionally alive than we have ever felt before.

Yet, this is what God is promising us.”

May the Father grant us a life teeming with emotions – for you have permission to Feel. And may that feeling be another avenue to his presence and his glory! For only he could provide us true joy in the midst of pain.

Teacher

I love the fact that our Father loves to teach – and not only that He loves it, but He is brilliant at it! As I continue to walk through life here in Nashville I have been blown away by the lessons that the Father pours out. I remember this moment I had prior to leaving Tuscaloosa when I asked the Lord “What I am going to do when I don’t have my mentors and pastors in my life anymore?” He calmly and gently replied “Rachele, all knowledge in heaven and earth comes from me. Don’t you realize that the truths and lessons that you have learned from these men and women came because of my revelation? These men and women have been effective because they have allowed themselves to be used. Do not fear. One of two things will happen: (1) I will provide another teacher or (2) I will teach you myself.” WOW! Needless to say I was humbled by this proclamation from the Lord. How quickly I forget the One who created the knowledge and wisdom that I hold dear! So whether through the revelation of other people or through the Father himself I will be posting some lessons that I have learned and some I am still thinking through. May He continue to bless us with his presence and draw near to our desperate hearts!

Nashville: A Weekend Adventure

As my time left in T-town comes to a close it has become harder and harder to leave the city – even for a couple days! This weekend I had to make an obligatory trip to Nashville to be fingerprinted in order to start my internship in August. I was excited about visiting the city since I had not been here since I interviewed back in January. So on Thursday I began my weekend adventure. Here are the highlights of my time here thus far…

One thing I have really missed is living in a big city because of the wealth of opportunities it affords; Nashville is no exception. This weekend I was able to check out some great local restaurants, visit two farmers markets, experience the largest arts and craft festival of the year in Centennial Park, and sign up for some cooking classes! I love the fact that there will always be something to do here! When I lived in New Orleans a friend of mine and I had what we called “Sunday Fun Day.” Cheesy I know, but it was a reminder to us of the amazing city we lived in and the vast amount of cultural opportunities that were at our fingertips. I hope to reinstate this tradition when I get to Nashville, and really make an effort to do one cultural/entertainment/learning experience once a week. That is one of the regrets I had when leaving NOLA was not taking more advantage of the opportunities – I hope to rectify that in TN.

Another major event of the weekend was seeing my new residence for the first time. The Lord absolutely provided me with a place to live! It is such a cool story, but the short version is that my college roommate (and one of my very best friends) ended up buying a house in Nashville and invited me to be her roommate. Amazing and a total answer to prayer! So I was eager to see my new digs and to paint my room. The painting turned out to be a major fail, but I love the house and am eager to move my stuff in so it feels more like home. Living with someone is also going to be a different experience for two reasons: (1) moving into someone else’s house instead of your own makes for different expectations and (2) neither of us have had a roommate in 4 years! I am thankful that we have lived together before, but it will definitely be a time of readjustment.

Directionally challenged….. that’s putting my skills nicely. My sweet brother refers to me as “wrong way Rachele.” Loving I know. But the reality is that I am terrible with directions. It usually takes me about a year to get really oriented in a city (the approximate length of my contract….), and I continue to think that the GPS system was sent straight from Heaven… But I am hoping that things will be different in Nashville! It may sound silly, but I am literally praying that the Lord will increase my navigation skills and orientation to direction! Especially since my job consists of a lot of driving to and from schools. I mapquested my schools and each are approximately 35 minutes away from the house…. so this will afford a LOT of car time – which means lots of time to pray for my directional skills. (Not sure directional is a word…. But it is now.) I feel like this will be one of the major challenges with moving, and I am praying the Lord will have grace. So I pray that the Lord’s answer comes quickly because I still feel very disoriented in this city. But at least I can usually find my house! And I do mean usually!

So all in all the weekend has been a good one so far. I am going to visit my first church in Nashville tomorrow, and to be honest I am very nervous. I didn’t expect to feel this nervous, but then again I didn’t expect to feel much of the emotions that seem to be bubbling underneath the surface. I really am excited to see what this city will hold and what the Lord has in store for my new church, but at the same time it is increasingly hard to realize what I am leaving behind. As I read that statement back I realize how much I am trying to remind myself to be excited. But then again I think that is part of the process of leaving – the feeling in your gut that this is crazy and scary, but the reassuring hand that is holding yours whispering that this is His plan and that everything will be ok. So I choose to rest in the knowledge that God brought me to this city, and will make a way where things seem unsure. God being true to his character; how much I love that about Him.

I Hope You Know How Much You Mean To Me...

I was hanging out with a dear friend of mine tonight, and experienced one of those moments where the rug literally got ripped out from under me. In one moment, the peace, laughter, and happiness that filled the room dispersed; I was left trying to gasp a single breath and not knowing whether to scream, cry, or just lash out. As I was processing through what occurred I realized how much I am in the process of grieving. I officially move to Nashville in five weeks. For many people this may seem like light years away, but you would be surprised how quickly time flies when you are doing everything in your power to hold onto it. It is literally like attempting to hold water in your clenched fist; before you know it, it is all but gone.

The process of grieving is a strange one. Emotions flood at times when you are least expectant, and a small situation can send me in a landslide of every emotion I have tried to avoid for the last week. Yet, I have been reminded that I am not in the process of grieving alone. Each person that remains in Tuscaloosa that are a piece of my life will be affected when I am gone. For some it will cause only a tiny ripple, and for others hours of their week will be left vacant. This can seem like a vain perception, but when you have invested in people and come to love each one of them, it is impossible for both sides not to be effected. The Lord has blessed me with an amazing place to grow and minister while in Tuscaloosa. I give Him all the glory and honor for any positive effect that I have had while in this city. It is only by Him and through Him that I have gotten to a place of healing and I pray that His hand has been seen in my life. But, me writing this is not about my small impact, but the huge impact my church family and friends have had on my life these past two years.

Two years ago when I moved to Tuscaloosa, I was extremely hurt and extremely broken. Although my façade was well placed, one look into my eyes revealed a depth of pain that I wasn’t able to verbalize. My prayers were spoken through tears. I remember calling a long time friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in two years and saying “Please have grace on me. I am not the person I was in college.” Brokenness changes a person, and at the moment I was wandering. But, in the midst of all that I knew there was one thing I could count on – Jesus was with me. In the first few weeks I prayed for a place of healing and a place of rest. Little did I know Jesus was about to once again exceed my expectation.

The story of how I came to VCC is for another posting, but I cannot tell you the life this place has created within me. My earnest prayer is that each and every person is able to experience the community that I have experienced. Regardless of what life threw my way, this group of people walked with me. I have never experienced a place that was so desperate to see people find healing and contentment in the Lord. A place where Scripture is not simply verses in a book, but words that are supposed to direct your life and how you view the world. This church family has fought for me, prayed for me, and cried with me. It is a place where failure was accepted because it was an opportunity for growth and learning. Encouragement runs within these peoples’ very veins – they will call forth giftings and callings that the Lord has instilled in your heart, but have not been uttered from your lips.

The women of the church have been incredibly impactful. Each one has opened up her home and offered me opportunity to see what it means to serve her husband, her children, and/or her friends. These women are fulfillment of prayers I prayed years ago. My journals are filled with prayers for women who would burn with passion for the Lord and would create a place for His renown. He answered above and beyond my wildest dreams. The Lord hears our prayers and is diligent to answer them in the time that He deems appropriate! How thankful I am that He answered my prayer with each of these women! I wish I could state each of their names, but I know that as they read this that the Lord will show them the impact they have had! I bless His name, because of you. Your life has brought life, healing, and teaching, and I am forever grateful.

When I look back on my time in Tuscaloosa I see a full life. I never expected these two years to bring such fulfillment, healing, and joy. But then again when life takes a turn we don’t expect – what do we really know? I challenge each of you, regardless of your circumstances, embrace where the Lord has you, and you will find abundant life!

So I prepare to leave Tuscaloosa having much more to grieve. I am so glad that I serve a God who provides for me. I know that my life in Nashville will have much to live up to because of the authentic and rich people I have met here. I love you all and your absence in my everyday life will leave a hole you cannot imagine. But, I will continue to praise the Lord because of you. And as I hope to touch lives in Nashville for His glory, know the ripple effect your life is having; for the only reason I can serve Him as I do is because the impact you have had on my life.

I love you guys and gals, and I pray that I get to thank you each individually before I leave!